The Wedding Singer

I had the chance last night to do something I don't often do living in New York City. I actually took advantage of the fact that there is so much to do in the city and went and DID something – just for me. Well sort of . . .

I have a paper to write for a humanities class I am taking on music. The paper has to be a description of a live performance. So it was for class AND for me, both directly and indirectly.

So I thought about what musical event I should attend. This presents a myriad of problems for me because I don't pay attention to what events are coming up in the city so when I finally find out about something I want to go to it's sold out and I end up missing it. You know the drill. And again, I wanted to think outside of my comfort zone. I considered going to see a kabuki performance (classical Japanese dance/drama). Then I found out it was to be a Butoh performance. This typically involves playful and grotesque imagery, taboo topics, extreme environments and is traditionally performed in white body makeup with slow, controlled motions. Given the recent events in Japan I decided this was probably more than I could manage on a Tuesday night!

Then I heard about a friend of mine who had been singing recently on Broadway in the Frank Sinatra inspired musical, choreographed by Twyla Tharp, "Come Fly Away". The deadbeat friend that I am, I never managed to see her perform before the show closed after a brief but fairly well received run (don't get me started on why musicals fail and why this one didn't last – that's a whole other post waiting to happen). Then I heard she was singing with a jazz/swing band once a week in the theater district. Don't get me started on swing band/nightclub/restaurants in Times Square! They are what they are, they give good people the chance to be working musicians, and the venue typically is kitschy, run down, over-priced, and poorly managed. But my friends get work (and some of my friends are the servers and bartenders not just the performers).

Then I had the chance to catch up with H between her numbers and during breaks. We chatted about life and why we hadn't seen each other in over two years, how GREAT we both looked (she commenting on me and me disagreeing and me commenting on she and she disagreeing – look, it's what we do, okay?)! Then I asked about her quickly approaching nuptials! AND here is where I finally get to my point!

I love H, so this was a proud moment for me – not that she was getting married but the opinions she began to divulge about weddings in general and her wedding in particular! I asked the usual questions and her answers made me proud to be her friend. H and her intended spouse, E, are going to Sonoma to get married in a small, quiet wedding. Now it isn't the Sonoma part that I am cheering on it is the further arrangements and how they have chosen to handle it.

They have not registered and do not have a bridal/wedding registry. AMEN SISTER! Their feelings are that they have moved in together, combining two households into one already, and don't need all that STUFF. They already have it OR they know what they want and are completely capable of getting it themselves. There is no need to pander to their friends to get them THIS china pattern and service for 12 or THIS set of $2000 cookware. They have the things they want and are able to provide for themselves what they need in life. This is a wedding celebration and they want to share it with their closest friends. Their friends will pay to fly to San Francisco, rent a car, drive to Napa, stay at a hotel for a couple nights, and put out enough money in order to be present. Why suggest that they spend several hundred more dollars by demanding a gift? I was shocked to find out there are now websites that allow "guests" of the couple to directly deposit $ online for things like a down payment for the couple's soon to be purchased home!

Okay, now I normally wouldn't go into this or give my opinion at risk of being slapped by all those out there that say that this is a magical, once in a lifetime moment and it should be perfect and it is the beginning of their lives together and everyone should make sure that the life ahead is as comfortable as possible!  REALLY, who said this? The Wedding Planners Association?

Being a gay man, even if I did buy into going to a state that allows same sex couples to be married, and going through the whole "wedding" thing, which I do not buy into for reasons we can discuss in a later posting, I still know that I need to tread lightly here. Same sex unions are a fairly recent thing and even if I were to have bought into it during my adult life there would have been very FEW (not zero but few) friends or family, especially pre-1995 or so, that would have bought into it.  And when these unions were not even mildly recognized, but we as couples loved/lived together for 10 years (my personal landmark), or more (I know some going on 50 years), very FEW people threw us a party, threw us a wedding, gave us a shower (!), showered us with gifts to feather our nest (birds of a feather), or asked us where we were registered. But all of this aside I understand it, have never shared these thoughts with most of my friends or relatives, and have obligingly followed tradition, attended weddings, and showered those lucky enough to find a partner to marry and raise a family with all the attention that is "requested". But here is H telling me, "Oh, hell NO!"

She has worked as a wedding singer and a caterer/server; she has seen the bride-zillas up close and personal. And not just the bride-zillas but even the SANE couples who sit back and are over-indulgent or have over-indulgent families that turn the event into something that rivals the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics! She knows what these events can turn into and has been equally as appalled as I have been at the general appearance (not their dress) of the celebrants. Now this is not a BLANKET RULE covering all weddings, all families, and all couples. But I have seen me a few weddings! And sometimes I am just horrified and insulted by the whole thing.

So, H and E are having the "picture perfect" Napa wedding with 40 close friends. They are NOT registering or accepting gifts, not inviting 400 people or their entire hometown, not registering at Neiman-Marcus, and not suggesting that their guests be responsible for their future life(style) or the comfort of their future home. They both are simply asking people to come, if they can, to celebrate with them on this occasion. H isn't wearing a wedding dress made by a designer she can't afford, with bows, sequins, bugle beads, a tiara, and veil. They aren't even having a wedding cake! H hates wedding cakes (they are USUALLY horrible unless you just are a cake fiend). The dessert will be excellent and will compliment the meal they serve their guests (I am surprised someone hasn't figured out how to charge the guests for their meals at this point - thank GOD some traditions haven't been completely run over by the moving truck full of household goods and cash brought home after the wedding).

Brava, H, and bravo E! Finally a couple who tells the world "come on, we are adults and we are making this choice together and not relying upon you to facilitate it, furnish it, feather it, or fake it with us! I love my friends and family, and am happy for them all when they marry. Can I tell you how many are still married to the spouse they first fell in love with and married? Not many.

I have only lived with one partner because I have only fallen in love with one person out of the many I have "known". And I didn't do too well keeping that one together so no stones being thrown here BUT I didn't ask you to buy us the Moser crystal wine glasses barware that we owned together and went to Prague to buy (because there it was less than 20% of what they sell for at Gump's or Neiman-Marcus). We didn't register for the 150 year old antique china that we collected, the Versace dinnerware that we bought a piece at a time over the years we were living together, or the $1500 cookware that we divided up when I moved out! We made the choices, the commitments, the payments, and we were just happy that you recognized our commitment to each other during our time together – for as long as we lasted. You recognized our love every day and shared in it with us often, and validated it every step of the way. And we didn't ask you to pay for a damn thing! IF we had gotten "unioned" I promise you, and if I ever do in the future to some unfortunate person, I promise you this – I will never ask you to pay for a thing except the transportation to get to the event, wherever it happens. H and L have made me proud and I wanted to share their wisdom with you (maybe because it is, sort of, my wise-ass opinion as well).

On a lighter note: H did not skimp in one area regarding marriage and tradition and I love her for this as well! You should see the freakin' ring she got! Amazing! Oh, and I am prodding her to see if she can get her wedding announcement in the New York Times. Tacky? Oh, YEAH. But her doing so would kind of be a "thumbing her nose" at the over-indulgent people who think it is a requirement or that it makes the event "newsworthy" or "of a certain social caliber and therefore validates their union, their life, or their social stature"!

Cheers! (clink)